Sink or Swim. Both Motions need a Deep Breath To Survive.

Ever get that feeling where you just need to stop and breath? That's me right now. 


-I have a feeling this could seem to be a slightly depressing post, i can assure you i am fine. 


I'm at that stage where the feeling of getting away from everyone and everything is getting stronger. Al though everything on the surface seems fine, happy and dandy i am almost over thinking everything to an extent it worries, and plays on my mind from things to do with my family, friends and boyfriend to things we should do without a thought such as putting two sugars in my coffee in the morning.
 I was told today that a important person in my life is feeling guilty from holding me back from meeting new people, doing new things and just having new experiences in life. Now, for myself i am finding this a hard thought to grasp hold of and it is almost making myself feel guilty that they are feeling this (probably isn't helping that 10 minutes ago i was hyper as anything and 5 minutes before that i felt like crawling under a table in the foetal position and crying over the fact i can't seem to find some good music anymore - trivial). I have always said to this person that they don't hold any responsibility over me and if i spend an evening just being lazy and watching shit television then that's my problem, they should not feel guilty over that. I just can't help feeling i have been in the position before and it has never ended the way i wanted. It's almost strange to say that for the past few days i have had that strange Women's intuition shit going on where i have butterflies in my tummy and i am just waiting for something big (good or bad although 9 times out of 10 it has been bad) to happen. Although i am confusing myself whether just one random day i felt a bit strange (maybe due to the tequila the night before) and now i am attempting to convince myself something will happen to attempt to prepare myself for... well.... maybe nothing. 


I can't help but realise that when i think about this important person (my boyfriend) i have felt like maybe i am missing out on experiences that most people my age go through, although when we talk about if we were to break up or i think about it i am completely heart broken and feel already devastated over something that hasn't even happened. I just don't understand when i am with him i don't get any of these feelings i love spending time with him we have such a laugh but as soon as i am by myself doing mundane things i get these thoughts. again i am worried that it is my subconscious being loud and if it is what i really want. Although i am then reminded how hardly anyone knows what there subconscious is on about and they can't even hear it hence the saying 'subconsciously maybe you wanted to _______ bla bla bla).


This is what i meant about needing to get away because i feel like i am a few more cups of coffee's gone wrong before i just break down and almost hit some sort of depression. I am over thinking everything, i just do not know how to switch off my brain at the moment. I again have no idea whether living at home is doing this to me that is why i don't get any of these strange feelings when i am with my boyfriend or what?!


I wish for a second i could just escape. I love the beach, always have done it is the only place i feel like i am truly breath as it is just an empty space where can you see nothing but water and sky for miles. I need to go to a beach. I need to breath again, even writing this blog i am reaching for my 4th cigarette in around 10 minutes. 


I honestly don't know what to do, the only thing i can think of is grabbing a coffee with my boyfriend and talking all this over again but i can honestly only see it going one way. I am not ready for that.... 


Damn being a women. 






*this isn't my own picture, i was just sent it. I just feel right now i should be on some hard core prescribed drugs to sort myself out and these are the types of ones i wish my doctor handed out like sweets. That would be amazing.* 

People change. Things happen. It's will always be for the best.

You can never make a life plan. People change, things change, you change.


What really gets me is when people say that they want to do X, Y and Z with no in-between ground and then stop at the first sign of going into a different direction. Like i said you can't plan life. You can say, when i 'grow up' i want to be a vet etc etc, but if you direct you whole work flow into doing that then you are almost setting your self up for dissopointment. I am not saying don't strive to be the best, don't give up instantly but take me for example, i always wanted to be a tattoo artist but as it happens i am best minded for the business world. Doesn't mean i am going to get all upset over it, it just means that to be a tattoo artist is a dream and what is a human being with a dream... a robot (cheesy).


What this short blog and what i am getting at is no matter what direction your life wants to go in always attempt to make the  best situation you can out of it. Other wise you may just end up being someone who only holds onto one thing yet being in a job that they dislike, in a home they dislike and having friends they pretty much dislike because they aren't able to find a positive or a new enjoyment direction in it. 


yes i know there are thousands of people who are in this situation and i know there are many who know there isn't a positive out of it but it doesn't mean you have to stick at it... (this is probably not making any sense at all) but just go for something you haven't tried, you may enjoy. 


I Loath being a waitress, BUT there are so many positives out of it for example, i am put into a situation where i have to deal with many different types of people... Those who have no respect  for anyone and those who will be so unbelievably grateful for standing for 5 minutes and asking them how they day has been and if they are feeling a little relaxed now. I think that this is setting me up in life to be able to deal with wankers on the street and arse holes as bosses i am thrown to dealing with the public which everyone in there life will have to do. Luckily i am able to get one with 90% of the population i come into contact with yet i still find a way to appricate what i do whether i hate it or not. 


I have no regrets in life.


Life is too short, enjoy it to the most you can while you can.

Decided.

Right, So it's my third blog has been decided through drinking a Morgan Spice and coke at almost mid night after a 10 hour day of waitressing. I NEED TO GET AWAY. I NEED A HOLIDAY. Winge, moan, cry.

Well, yes. this Routine thing has been getting to me, i am young but i need something to chuck me off. I need to get away from everyone and everything at the second and just 'breath'.

i very short blog for today, but it is beacuse i am shattered after being on my feet non-stop for 10 hours and the fact i have to be back at work for 9am tomorrow. hate hate hate hate.

* i just found this image on google, it is not mine. (Although i wish it was as then it means i would have been to that beautiful, although slightly stereo-typical holiday resort).

A leather sketch pad.

I bought a little A6 leather bound note pad today in which i can do little drawings and sketch with. I've been looking at it over and over, and i don't know why but something so simple as a mini sketch book all of a sudden puts a lot of different things in to perspective for me. 


I didn't go to college today, I've been at home all on my own and even though it's lovely to get away from everyone and have some sort of piece and quite it is difficult to not reflect on your life and get yourself down by it. 
I'm beginning to get bored, not of the guy i am with because he's so spontaneous that i begin doing things i wouldn't normally do like go to a little American style cafe by my self to grab some breakfast but of just how routine and comfortable my life is. 


This blog is probably not going to make much sense as i can already tell my paragraphs are all over the place but like i said i am just going to type about what i am thinking about. 


i am thinking i need a change, something needs to give. I want to move out, but i am still at college earning £130 MAX at the end of the week every week, by living at home means i can have a free lift to work as i don't drive, i am still at college which means it is my 14th year of education and i am BORED of it, i want to do something different. Almost let everything go and just jump onto a train and go to the next new town i haven't heard of meet new people, see new art, hear new music. 


SO i have decided that i am either going to do something crazy with my hair (yes very girly thing to say), get a new piercing (although i have had almost every ear piercing, my neck and my nose done) or get a new tattoo (although i already have two that aren't finished). I really think by doing one or all of these things means i have done something different something in my reach as a business studies student and a waitress. 
I also am going to start saving to go to Bournemouth. My best friend from year 7 is at Uni there and i miss her, she put everything into light for me, even if it's just blurting out all my issues and then she turns round and  says have a Jager bomb, it's not that important. i feel by travelling a 3 hour train journey and wondering around to find out where  have to go will kinda chuck me in the deep end to starting to mix things up a little bit. 
Also doing it without my fella means that it is completely on my own, no boyfriend, no famalam just me. I am already slightly nervous/ excited to do it just the thought of it but if i am honest i don't know where to start..... 

Would be great to hear anyone's views on this

The first of many...

So today is my first blog. As of this second i am pretty much seeing this blog to be my own little Internet diary that thousands of people are able to see. GREAT. 


For my first Post i am going to say sorry to for my spelling, i am dyslexic. BUT i am not that sorry that i really care what you think of my spelling i just thought i'd let you guys know before you comment on it with a really silly comment. Not that i think you are all silly (digging myself a hole). 


Without making this sound like i am on a dating website (i am taken for the moment too just to clarify) I love lots and lots of different types of music from all different types of era's 80's typical pop is my guilty pleasure right now. 
I am half an artist half a business studies student. The two don't match i know, but art is my love and business is my random pleasure.


I am starting this blogging thing because i have trouble telling people how i really feel in real life, for example if someone really pisses me off i won't tell them act as if it's cool and really and truly that pissed off feeling is still bubbling up 5 weeks later when i haven't seen that person since. So in hope that making blogs to a bunch of people that aren't too fussed either way about my views, thoughts and opinions i will be able to tell the people closest to me how i am feeling good and bad, to stand up for myself more, and pretty much begin to re-gain the stupid confidence and cockiness i used have and used to be proud of (in a good way of course) 
SO yeah, that was a little bit too deep for a first blog.
i am actually not too fussed if anyone reads this i think it's just the thought of the World Wide Web being able to read it with a few clicks.


That Ladies and Gentlemen is my first post ever... Enjoy the many more to come, 
Yours,


Metal paisley patterns.