-I have a feeling this could seem to be a slightly depressing post, i can assure you i am fine.
I'm at that stage where the feeling of getting away from everyone and everything is getting stronger. Al though everything on the surface seems fine, happy and dandy i am almost over thinking everything to an extent it worries, and plays on my mind from things to do with my family, friends and boyfriend to things we should do without a thought such as putting two sugars in my coffee in the morning.
I was told today that a important person in my life is feeling guilty from holding me back from meeting new people, doing new things and just having new experiences in life. Now, for myself i am finding this a hard thought to grasp hold of and it is almost making myself feel guilty that they are feeling this (probably isn't helping that 10 minutes ago i was hyper as anything and 5 minutes before that i felt like crawling under a table in the foetal position and crying over the fact i can't seem to find some good music anymore - trivial). I have always said to this person that they don't hold any responsibility over me and if i spend an evening just being lazy and watching shit television then that's my problem, they should not feel guilty over that. I just can't help feeling i have been in the position before and it has never ended the way i wanted. It's almost strange to say that for the past few days i have had that strange Women's intuition shit going on where i have butterflies in my tummy and i am just waiting for something big (good or bad although 9 times out of 10 it has been bad) to happen. Although i am confusing myself whether just one random day i felt a bit strange (maybe due to the tequila the night before) and now i am attempting to convince myself something will happen to attempt to prepare myself for... well.... maybe nothing.
I can't help but realise that when i think about this important person (my boyfriend) i have felt like maybe i am missing out on experiences that most people my age go through, although when we talk about if we were to break up or i think about it i am completely heart broken and feel already devastated over something that hasn't even happened. I just don't understand when i am with him i don't get any of these feelings i love spending time with him we have such a laugh but as soon as i am by myself doing mundane things i get these thoughts. again i am worried that it is my subconscious being loud and if it is what i really want. Although i am then reminded how hardly anyone knows what there subconscious is on about and they can't even hear it hence the saying 'subconsciously maybe you wanted to _______ bla bla bla).
This is what i meant about needing to get away because i feel like i am a few more cups of coffee's gone wrong before i just break down and almost hit some sort of depression. I am over thinking everything, i just do not know how to switch off my brain at the moment. I again have no idea whether living at home is doing this to me that is why i don't get any of these strange feelings when i am with my boyfriend or what?!
I wish for a second i could just escape. I love the beach, always have done it is the only place i feel like i am truly breath as it is just an empty space where can you see nothing but water and sky for miles. I need to go to a beach. I need to breath again, even writing this blog i am reaching for my 4th cigarette in around 10 minutes.
I honestly don't know what to do, the only thing i can think of is grabbing a coffee with my boyfriend and talking all this over again but i can honestly only see it going one way. I am not ready for that....
Damn being a women. *this isn't my own picture, i was just sent it. I just feel right now i should be on some hard core prescribed drugs to sort myself out and these are the types of ones i wish my doctor handed out like sweets. That would be amazing.*
